Given my dramatically increased amounts of free time from not being in college and only working from 9-3, I've found myself with a newly discovered fondness for the world of literature, and have already devoured several books in the past month or so. Subsequently, I'm becoming more and more aware of the benefits of reading of any kind. I think most would agree that a person who reads for pleasure is more prone to appreciate life and benefit the lives of others than, say, a person who spends the majority of their leisure time watching TV or playing video games. However, I'm finding that my increased reading is very subtly causing my pride to surface. When I read something particularly enlightening, especially in a Christian book, little sparks of superiority flare up in my heart, and I take selfish joy in the notion that I know something that my Christian peers necessarily do not.
This idea is expressed more clearly in The Confessions of St. Augustine, which I'm currently reading (no irony intended)...
"When the impetuous power of the soul is viciously inclined, and it swaggers in mutinous, insolent pride, violent crimes are the outcome; when that appetite of the soul which thirsts for carnal pleasures is not moderated, vices are the result; so too, if the rational mind itself is vicious, errors and wrongheaded opinions corrupt our life. Such was the condition of my mind at this time. I did not realize that it needed to be open to the radiance of another light in order to become a partaker of the truth, for it is not itself the essence of truth. Rather it is you, Lord, who will light my lamp: O God, you will illuminate my darkness and from your fullness we have all received. For you are the true light, which illumines every human person who comes into this world (John 1:9), and in you there is no variation, no play of changing shadows (James 1:17).
"Instead I was striving to reach you by my own efforts, and you thrust me away to taste death, because you thwart the proud (James 4:6; 1 Peter 5:5). What could be prouder than my outlandish delusion, whereby I laid claim to be by nature what you are? I was subject to change, as was obvious to me from the fact that I was clearly seeking to be wise in order to change for the better, yet I was prepared even to think you changeable rather than admit that I was not what you are. Therefore I was thrust away, and you thwarted my puffed-up obstinacy. I conjured up material forms in my imagination, and I who was flesh disparaged the flesh, for I was a roving spirit that had not yet returned to you (Psalm 78:39). I persisted in walking after things that had no existence either in you or in me or in any creature, ideas not created for me by your truth but invented in material shape by my own vanity. To your little ones, faithful Christians and my fellow-citizens, from who I was unwittingly exiled, I babbled away in my petulant fashion, asking, "If God made the soul, why does it fall into error?" But I did not like to hear in reply, "On your showing, we might ask why God falls into error." I was readier to assert that your immutable substance had been forced into error than to confess that my own mutable substance had gone astray by its own will, and that its error was its punishment."
As I read this, I became suddenly aware that I had been subconsciously reading for two seemingly praiseworthy, but truly selfish purposes:
1.) To impart my knowledge to others. This purpose can sound like a good reason to gain knowledge through reading. I believe God uses people as channels through which to speak His truth, and I believe God has spoken to me personally through certain people He's blessed with wisdom. However, it should never be my objective to impart my knowledge on other people simply because I can. Thinking back, I realize that when certain people have tried to share wisdom with me, I didn't take their words to heart if I didn't feel that their words were expressed in genuine, selfless love. I'm so put off by self-righteous Christians who look for any situation to share their "wisdom", regardless of whether or not the situation is appropriate, or if the listener even needs to hear it. Conversely, I owe a debt of gratitude to loving individuals who had my best interest at heart when they shared their God-given wisdom with me. Their words were wise but, more importantly, seasoned with love. As Paul says, "Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. But the man who loves God is known by God." (1 Corinthians 8:1-3).
2.) To gain favor with God. This is human pride in its purest form. It causes me to falsely conclude that by reading Christian books, I have gained more favor with God, when the Bible is explicitly clear about all humans being equally unrighteous before God (Romans 3:9-12).
I find that I understand my problems much better when I talk (or type) them out. So now that I've laid everything out, the most obvious question for me to answer is this: What, then, should my purpose be for reading? It seems that, instead of pursuing wisdom in order to become superior to my peers, I should seek this wisdom with the intention of dispensing it only as it pleases God, never "tooting my own horn." With regard to gaining favor with God, I pray that He continues to teach me that it is only by Jesus' sacrifice that I'm able to become justified in His sight. Don't get me wrong - I think that reading God-centered literature is a great way to fix your mind on Him and understand His ways a little better; It should just never be confused with the saving grace that only comes through Jesus' blood.
